Event Designers and Funeral Clients in Grief? Can it work?

December 13, 2011 by savvyplanners.com

WHY would a grieving family even CONSIDER an event professional for a funeral or memorial service!?

An OP/ED

by Marcinho Savant, The Fairy-Wedding-Father™

According to Wikipedia, “A funeral is a ceremony for celebrating, sanctifying, or remembering the life of a person who has died.”

This is such a very heavy and sensitive topic that is too seldom even discussed. Clearly, people who have lost a loved one are going through all the five stages of grief. On top of that, depending on their religion or culture, they must adhere to strict codes of funerary management, in order to assure their lost loved one is properly and thoughtfully escorted to their final rest.

Even though it is unpleasant to contemplate, funerals and memorials are actually an “event”. One that is filled with sadness, anger, confusion, stress, pressure, tension and many other outpourings of grief. Why is it considered an “event” in my eyes? Because funerals and memorial services frequently have people invited to attend. Often, even, people show up unexpectedly to show their respects after learning about or reading a death notice in the news or obituaries. There are many details which require direction and management.

There are many important matters and concerns which require attention and care, in order to make certain that every aspect of the day goes smoothly and without incident. That no pressing matter adds to or intensifies the, already painful, challenges of the day. This is where event professionals come into the picture.

What are some of the typical aspects of a “Homegoing” gathering? Very often, these events consist of:

A wake or viewing
A mass or religious ceremony
A burial
A repast or gathering wherein people recollect and discuss the departed and have some refreshments (often snacks or, sometimes, whole meals)

Event professionals are accustomed to, and highly-experienced in, managing the myriad details involved, from logistics, traffic and safety patterns, crowd control, parking and valet services, floral concerns, design, decor and environments design, for example. These, among other inconvenient, yet important, details are likely the very last thing that grieving people want to have to be concerned about— but that professionals regularly manage without difficulty. And if there is any difficulty, it is their job to prevent anything from disturbing or upsetting you. They should be making any problems go away— or handling them.

Some funerals, culturally, are not perceived as “sad” occasions. Different cultures hold different concepts about death and dying, as well as, different ways of commemorating the loss. They are often seen as opportunities to rejoice in the deceased’s transition to their next life-stage or final journey.

Every family, individual, culture and religion have unique views, traditions and mores when it comes to managing the final business of saying farewell.

Like in regular events, people need to consider and evaluate just how much they want to have to deal with. In some weddings, for example, there are couples that are thrilled to be involved in all the details. Some cannot bear the thought of leaving anything in the hands of a stranger— so they design, and plan (and even more impressive— run) their own weddings.

There are some people for whom a funeral, based on who the departed really was as they lived, needs to have a more celebratory or even festive feel and tone. Be certain that your professional clearly understands the feel and tone that you want to create in memory or celebration of your loved one. There are a great number of people that have a vision of what they want their funeral to look and feel like— even while they are still alive. As uncomfortable as it may be, try not to avoid “the talk” about death and dying. If you’re meant to honor the desires of the deceased, it is important to know what those wishes are.

If a person knows themselves to not be “too great under pressure”, they are the type of person who seeks out the caring, helping hand of a professional. It is, entirely, a matter of personal capability and choice.

It is vital to find a service provider who has a natural capacity for empathy, compassion and genuine concern for the grieving—even while running a, sensitively, professional and “tight ship”. If you do think that you are going to need a caring, dependable, unflappable ally in your corner on that day, interview many different potential professionals (as many as you can manage under the circumstances). Your heart will tell you when you have found the right person or company to help you.

Also, please try to remember that there is absolutely no failure in choosing to delegate these demanding duties to a professional. People have limits. There are simply some things that we just do not wish to deal with. Perhaps, with help, you can only have to focus on your family, friends, guests and their needs— as well as your own. That is enough.

Funeral designers/managers/planners should be expected to manage aspects such as (partial listing):

Assisting guests from the parking or drop off areas to the salon for your loved one.
Guest sign-in and and seating assistance.
Creating a timeline.
Managing speakers, clergy, readers, eulogizers, vendors, deliveries, program creation and distribution.
Floral management, ordering, distribution and placement.
Personal client care.
Environment design.
Travel arrangements.
Ground transportation.
Hotel accommodations for out of town guests.
Clean up and load-out.

There is no shame in honoring one’s own limits, while honoring one’s loved one. There is no shame in needing a helping hand. Whether or not you choose to seek help, here is a guide/planner which should help you (.pdf) align some crucial, initial information, in the event of a loss.

People in the throes of grief may see the value and significance of a caring event expert hired to take the added stresses off your shoulders— especially on such a disturbing, uncomfortable, painful day.

And, of course, for centuries, family and friends have been called upon to manage tasks leading up to and through a funeral day. Many people and families have enough relatives to which to assign duties. You may be the kind of person that can handle everything just fine. Conversely, you might just not want to have to deal with it. Perhaps you’d rather spend every moment comforting your family and guests… or being comforted.

While it becomes clear that most any family will benefit from expert care during these challenging times, what about the unique and vital benefits to GLBTI persons enduring such a loss in their lives?

It remains your call. However, if you want or need help, get it. You do not have to handle all of this alone.

May you never have to be concerned about these matters any time soon.

Many blessings,

-Marcinho

NOTE: Special thanks to Janet Rotella of SPArties Mobile Spa for posting the question on a wedding professionals’ facebook group wall!

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Comments

4 Responses to “Event Designers and Funeral Clients in Grief? Can it work?”

Christine on December 13th, 2011 6:13 PM

Marcinho having been through two of the most interesting funerals on the planet, I couldn’t agree with you more. I think the most important point you made is #6. Yes you have your family and friends around you, but just like a wedding they often bring their own agenda into the program. That is the reason why an unconnected, professional that you trust is a saving grace in such an emotional time.
Thank you for this article.
And btw, just another reason why the person you trusted to plan you wedding should remain a trusted adviser for life!
savvyplanners.com on December 13th, 2011 6:47 PM

You are very welcome!!!

Thank you for your reinforcement Christine! It is so important, but there are those who will never think of event professionals as anything less than “vampires” and charlatans!

I just know how big a help I have been to grieving families. And— whether at the beginning of two lives together, or at the ending of another… we play an important role in making it be right. It is a noble job in any case.

-Marcinho
Omar on December 15th, 2011 5:36 PM

So, I read your article and also let two of my friends read it. (hope you don’t mind). Two of us thought it was a great idea and made lots of common sense. A funeral is indeed an event. The other friend (who is a funeral director, mind you), thought it was just-and I quote-” not right to make money off the grief of others”–My response to that was-”Dude???? Hello??? You are a FUNERAL DIRECTOR!!”

In his mind, he said he could not get past the fact that you are primarily a wedding planner and the funeral business is quite a different teritory. Interesting that he used the word “territory”. I think he really just sees it as someone possibly infringing on his business. He made the point that all the things you offered to do are done by the funeral director anyway. Pardon me, but I have been involved in planning a funeral or two and no director has ever offered to find hotel accomodations, arrange transportaion or provide personal client care.

I think funerals are a time when one needs as much help as one can get. I say go for it, but be prepared for attitudes like his. Some folks just don’t get it. MANY people have specific visions of what they want their funeral to be, and I think an event planner could deliver much better than a funeral director.
savvyplanners.com on December 15th, 2011 10:20 PM

Thank you Omar.

I don’t really understand the “turf-marking” of your friend. I, for the record, am an event designer. Not “just” a wedding “planner” (not that there is a THING wrong with that. But some would assert that there IS a difference). That said… any event, from festivals, concerts, galas, weddings… anything to which people are invited or expected, falls within my purview.

I, too, have never had funereal professionals offer me any extended services, at any time, ever. They are experts at family care, emotional empathy, compassion, funeral and mortuary sciences… and most funeral directors do a great and honorable job every day.

I would think that event professionals would be a valuable asset to funeral directors on the whole (as a matter of course). Not some adversarial interloper. At the end of the day, it is ALL about the client and their needs. What’s wrong with them handling the scientific, spiritual and technical areas of their expertise for the clients, while having someone there to manage the aesthetic, logistical and personal care needs and desires of the client?

PS: About the “The other friend (who is a funeral director, mind you), thought it was just-and I quote- ”not right to make money off the grief of others” –My response to that was-”Dude???? Hello??? You are a FUNERAL DIRECTOR!!” comment:

With all due respect to your friend, “Hello, Mister Kettle. It’s the Pot. You’re BLACK.” Bless your heart. It’s all about client care in their darkest of hours, methinks.

-Marcinho

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