“What in the World Do I Call Them?” The Correct Way to Address GLBTI Couples After They Have Been Married

July 7, 2009 by savvyplanners.com

“What in the World Do I Call Them?”

The Correct Way to Address GLBTI Couples After They Have Been Married

(PRWEB) August 20, 2004 — The burning question for most of us in the USA is “How do I address a gay or lesbian couple after they have been married?” There is no correct manner, yet, in the English language— since the issue is so new. However, there are some languages (French & German for example) which have pluralisations of titles. Thank heavens! In english there is no real plural for mister or Mr.. It would be rather strange to address an envelope to Misterses or Mr.’ses or some other nonsense.

It is my opinion that the most apropos format would be the use of the French plurals i.e.: Messieurs (Messrs.) or Mesdames (Mmes.) So and So (as opposed to the German “Herren” for men or “Frauen” for women). The moniker dates back to 1512 (Middle French— according to Merriam -Webster’s dictionary). It is infinitely more polite in this manner and really only applies, in this situation, to those persons that have chosen to share a name. In the case of a couple that maintains their own names, then, it is correct to address them as Mr. X and Mr. W or Ms. D and Ms. E.

Now— as the same-sex marriage issue becomes more recognized and legal in the country, someone, somewhere will establish the correct global protocol. However, it appears that being aware of one standard is enough for now…until some greater authority sets the NEW standard.

In the cases of the transgendered individual, the same rules would apply. The case for a male to female or female to male transgendered person: He, now SHE or She, now HE would be addressed by his or her name. In the case where she marries a male, it would be Mr. & Mrs. Jack & Connie Stein or Mr. Jack Stein and Ms. Connie Phelps or Mr. and Mrs. Jack and Connie Stein-Phelps. In the case wherein he marries a female, make changes as are fitting.

In the case of an intersexed or gender-blended individual, they should be addressed by the name/gender identity they choose. Once this has been ascertained, select from the appropriate example above.

Does anybody need a cocktail and a break at this point? It isn’t really that daunting. I think that I have expressed things in a manner that should be as painless as possible. The MOST important issue is that you take the time and care to ask the person(s) in question how they wish to be addressed.

One example of a way of inquiry, that I and the staff use, is the innocuous “Congratulations! So what is your new name going to be?” OR “Did you take your spouse’s name?” OR “So…are ya’ hyphenated now? (if you are good friends/very comfortable with each other). At savvyplanners.com, since we know about the ceremony in advance, we often ask: “How should we address future correspondence to you both?”.

In most every instance, the person is happy to clear the record. By asking in this manner, you show that you recognize that a change COULD have occurred, that you respect that fact, want to greet or introduce them properly and acknowledge that you respect THEIR right to be called what they WANT to be called rather than presuming.

Perhaps you will see the genteel and respectful approach that I recommend as a painless way to get the information you need. I have always been a bit of a stickler for etiquette and protocol. Not to be snobbish, but to be socially thoughtful and apropos. Even in the twenty-first century, no, particularly in the twenty-first century, it is even MORE important to treat all people with respect, kindness, dignity and social grace.

Nota Bene: The names used here are not affiliated with any known persons. They are merely for illustration and are not intended to represent any actual person, living or deceased.

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By MW Savant, CEO

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